Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A Concerned Letter

Dear Emperor Palpatine:

Let me begin by saying that I am a huge fan. Really, I love your work. You are an inspiration to aspiring villains everywhere. I feel, however, that you have forgotten just how influential your fame is. Obviously, this is not your primary concern (crushing the resistance of a rebellious galaxy is no small task, I’m sure), but you cannot deny that it is high time you accepted that you, as a role model to impressionable young villains-to-be, need to be much more responsible with your decisions. Doubtless you have already heard about the critiques of the Conservative Villain Movement, which names you the #1 Worst Role Model in the Galaxy.

Now, clearly, this insult is undeserved, but you must admit that you haven’t been as responsible as you could have been. For starters: employing the Storm Troopers. Can you really justify this as a good idea? No, seriously. Your expensive, mass-produced foot soldiers are incompetent and unreliable. Surely you can afford troops who can defeat—or at least contend with—the Ewoks! On a similar note, Darth Vader also seems like a poor employee. You are already aware of his anger management issues (I understand that they were a point of contention with his former boss), but, in addition, he has children involved with your primary competitor, the Rebel Alliance. This certainly qualifies as a conflict of interest, and I don’t think it will end well.

These problems, though, are inconsequential in comparison to my final observation—a truly great villain can overcome obstacles far more terrible than inept or fickle employees, after all. What really undermines you, I think, is your clear disregard for your own safety. Your throne room contributes to your mystique, yes, but is it really necessary to have a giant hole leading to the highly unstable core of your planet-destroying space station in the very middle of it? This seems a lot like poor planning.

I’m sure you have already thought of all these problems and are working to fix them. Good luck, and always remember the motto of young villains (and many politicians): “We’re all behind you (mostly because it’s easier to stab you in the back from here)!”

Chandler J. Birch

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